Sometimes thoughts 34
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Monday, November 12, 2018
I'm performing NYC today. I'm seeing things. The world. Living. Amazing what you chose to talk about. For hours. Years even. I ain't about to let these things pass me by by being on the phone in this present time. West Virginia is much more beautiful to see looking out the window. No fucking way. Not another minute.
We tried. We really did. We're gray. The beginning: You said you were shy. I didn't know. I loved your confidant walk. We didn't talk for a year. Started a relationship. I didn't trust myself with loving you. Something was off. It was me, but it was also you! Felt left trying to convince myself. Tortured myself, what was I thinking? It was also your ways of things. Told others, recorded your outbursts. You told others, did things. You did. I apologized. We broke at the peak of my alcoholism in dramatic fashion. That's the only time you talked to my brother or my friends. Sponsor. In crises; a pattern that would repeat. A month or 2 went by. Didn't talk. We finished work. We slept together again, lingering feelings left to try again. Called it a tryst that built towards another relationship. Who's dishonest here? I should have known better. Stupidly got involved with someone else, tried to hide it. Discouraged you both from meeting. Slept with a friend once before her. We (you and I) weren't together then, began acting like a couple again. Broke the secret. Told the truth. Your heart. My heart. Guilt and shame onslaught. Relief. Conscience. No more fucking around. Don't put your heart where your dick is. God how guilty you made me feel for it. You can only stand trial once. A trust doomed to succeed, certain to fail, never to regain.
You befriended her, the secret friend. You knew her before, but that was the first time you made friends. My tire was slashed. You brought up seeing me and the 2nd friend at the very end! Posted pics with her (3rd girl), felt the need to take care of her. Al anon. Asked me to lie about our secret conversation. Regretted it, said you'd admit it to her. Al anon. Coda. Distraction and diversion. When I was deceitful and checked your phone, you start every potential relationship with stress, even in text, and even if you're not very interested. I'm so overwhelmed with life, etc. I'm stressed because I like you so much! I see patterns and it's a front. What world are you living in? Or maybe you just are stressed naturally I guess. It hinders any excitement. You are an expert at bringing the focus off yourself and back to the next guy. You don't even realize it. You're a reality TV star. And your motives were realized in the group chat I started with you and the 3rd. You have another face that perhaps you aren't willing to face for yourself. But you'll always claim you are so sure of yourself. Follow it up with victimization.
You never explicitly apologized for your own shit. Actually state all of the shit you say. Has no one told you this before? Really tell you. Why do you think I recorded you? You're a trust fund kid with enabling parents. Why must you escape on parent sponsored (and for your friends too!) timeshare vacations after crises. Easy to fall into security blanket patterns. My brother was right from the start, I want an independent girl who can take care of herself. I know you didn't tell her that you'd tried to lie to her. I brought that out. She went along with it because she is a follower, and the lord be with her too. And then you called me dramatic and shared that info with her of me sleeping with someone. That was before her anyway, and we (you and I) weren't together. 2 face. I see through you. And all the while trying to get me on the phone. Who's dramatic? Haha I got caught up! No more. It gets easier to see minute by minute. Sexual connection hinders objectivity, but stepping back now helps me see.
For the good, the cosmic connection, best of all, felt supernatural, the incredible sex, all the laughs and lightness. You've affected me more than any other woman. And good times were good, but far less than anything it should've been, and for what. For what you wanted me to be? I think not. It was so good it even made you forget who you are! But that's how you are. Nothing is your fault. Do you actually understand this? I think that's why you say you loved me so much. And you said it early on, 2 months in. If it were actually true (for both of us), 1) I'd actually trust my own fucking judgment 2) we'd already be married and probably have a child, 3) you wouldn't feel the desire to fix me, and 4) the family life would be self evident. If I'm to respect myself to trust my own judgment, not for another minute will I skeptically try intuiting this connection of ours. You were a lover confidant whom I let go. We were not right for each other, "babe." As were your very last words to me in the group chat, "good luck in your solidarity." I extend that to you as well. I mean it but I doubt you'll change by the next relationship because you've been that way your whole life!
Sometimes thoughts 33